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2006-01-19 - 2:48 a.m. 1. Chuck Norris� tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever. 2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can�t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. 7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 8. Chuck Norris doesn�t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. 11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris� beard. There is only another fist. 12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris� way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay the fuck down. 14. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. 15. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, �Two seconds �til.� After you ask, �Two seconds �til what?� he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 16. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 17. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn�t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 18. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris allows to live. 19. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 20. Chuck Norris doesn�t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. 21. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 22. The quickest way to a man�s heart is with Chuck Norris� fist. 23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 24. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. 25. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. 26. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the �Street Fighter II� video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this �glitch,� Norris replied, �That�s no glitch.� 27. The opening scene of the movie �Saving Private Ryan� is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. 28. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, �Bang!� 29. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth�s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 30. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. 31. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren�t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 32. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. 33. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. 34. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse� horses are hung like Chuck Norris. 35. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle � you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. 36. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. 37. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4 because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. 38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 39. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. 40. Chuck Norris doesn�t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 41. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it. 42. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. 43. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. 44. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a �Who has more testicles?� contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. 45. Chuck Norris urinates once a year, this is known as monsoon season. 46. Chuck Norris did build Rome in a day. 47. Chuck Norris has done approximatly five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage just from kicking people out windows. 48. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. 49. Chuck Norris does not use a cell phone. He speaks at a normal volume and the space-time continuum warps itself until his message reaches the person he's speaking to. 50. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Barr. 51. King Kong climbed the empire state building to get away from Chuck Norris. 52. Chuck Norris is the exception to the "If it bleeds, we can kill it" rule. 53. Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money. 54. Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God. 55. The black plague was the result of Chuck Norris sneezing on Europe. 56. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark. 57. Chuck Norris never wears gloves because they can't keep up with his hands. 58. Space aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. 59. Children all over the world check their closets for the boogie-man before heading to bed. The boogie-man checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 60. During WW II the President faced a tough decision. Should he drop the bomb on Japan, or should he drop Chuck Norris? He eventually made the more humane choice, the bomb. 61. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn�t lift himself up. He pushes the Earth down. 62. Chuck Norris *can* simply walk into Mordor. 63. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 64. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky". 65. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 66. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 67. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 68. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live. 69. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. 70. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, �Trix are for Chuck Norris.� 71. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 72. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris 73. If Chuck Norris is late, time better SLOW the FUCK DOWN. 74. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." 75. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. 76. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. 77. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 78. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 79. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Because everyone needs to know: 80. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 81. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. 82. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 83. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 84. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 85. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 86. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 87. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. 88. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. 89. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. 90. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 91. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 92. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. 93. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 94. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face. 95. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. 96. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. 97. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie. 98. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. 99. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. 100. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. 101. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC. 102. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. 103. A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly. 104. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. 105. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. 106. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. 107. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list. 108. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. 109. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 110. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food. 111. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. 112. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility. 113. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. 114. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card. 115. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. 116. Chuck Norris invented water. 117. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!" 118. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. 119. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. 120. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father. 121. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. 122. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. 123. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. I keep hearing these at work and so I decided to share them. Learn them, use them, enjoy them. If I can find more I will post them. � The past is gone - Next song. Next song. Next! � 
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