2002-06-16 - 5:48 a.m.

I like to pretend that I am a happy person. You may see this in simple things like my bouts with temporary insanity. The truth is that I am just an excellent liar. Nothing much is fun anymore. I want to have fun. We all used to hang in the basement or sit on the porch and talk some crazy shit. Yu, Tony B, and I used to sit on Mama Thayer's back porch and talk until damn near 7a.m. There are a lot of you out there that I would love to chill with more. I am just not an integral part of your daily social activities. That brings me down to this underlying fact that always haunts me. I am the new guy. I have always been the new guy. I've moved around my whole life and never had any friends other than some of ya'll for more than 3 years. I never opened up emotionally because it hurt too much when it was time to go. Now I want to. I want to open up. I have been around here and I like it here. I want to talk to people about how I feel. It is most difficult to do with the people I have known longest which is why I need the other peoples' help. I want to chill with the people that I kinda know. Give me a call and we can go out to eat or something. Fuck, we can just go chill in a park somewhere ifn you want. I have such a wide circle of friends and yet I feel that I know so very few of them. No one sees the real me because of the elaborate wall I have built myself into. Ask yourself if you really know who I am. If you don't then give me a call. This doesn't mean that I don't want to hang out with old friends, just that it may take more time for me to open up to you. Keep that in mind because I don't want to lose anybody. Enough of my attempt of sloppiness. Forge onward and take me for the ride.

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The past is gone - Next song. Next song. Next!

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