2002-09-07 - 4:45 a.m.

Damn dragon burned my healing potions. Pain. Torment. Suffering. We all have these. We just never admit too much in public. We use a bullshit forum like this. Don't want to show any weakness. We all just pretend.

"Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see"

-NIN

Keep pretending you are happy. It really helps you out, right? When no one knows but you. I am hounded by demons. I want to do things, but I have a massive fear of recurance. In fact I can say that may be the only thing I am afraid of. I don't fear death. I am not afraid to talk to people. Repeating the past scares me. If it's one thing that fucked me up, it is the past. I don't have many good memories. I don't remember most of my childhood. I think I locked it all away. I still do that. I was the dumping pit of my mother's anger at my father. I had to be strong and listen. She told me not to be mad at him. So I pushed it all aside. I became emotionless. I was good at it. It really helped me out sometimes. I am a great fighter because I never got angry. It's just battle. Then at one point love caused me to open up. I rediscovered emotion slowly. I'm still bad at it. I think that's why I scare people sometimes. Discovery has brought me little but pain. I love a few people. I could fucking care less about most everyone else. I want to be compassionate but I can only do it with a focal point. I have no pity for the masses. Commercials about little starving children don't phase me. I've never met them and I never will. I am very generous to those I know. Now I'm just rambling. Perhaps more of this depressing bullshit later.

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The past is gone - Next song. Next song. Next!

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